Strange Sunday

I have been trying for the longest time to get back into my church routine. It has been very hard to do and for a very long time I had been out of church altogether. This wasn't anything I had planned...I just left my home church because they had no college classes, due to its size, and I had just aged out of every other class. About a year ago I started going to a much larger church in the suburbs. I liked it ok...it's just that I hadn't ever been accustomed to such a mass of people and the way church was highly organized like a business or a school. I will admit I was intrigued and kinda liked going to a place where nobody knew me and I could just "disappear" into the crowd.

Long story short, I went consistently for about 6 weeks with a friend and then for our own independent reasons we no longer went to church. I had been in two churches my whole life and had found myself bobbing in and outta church like the few, random people I observed as a regular member. About 6 weeks ago I felt convicted to start regularly attending a church, so I decided to venture back to the mega church. Each week came with its reasons as to why I wasn't able to go...and each week I felt like I was missing a major part of my life by having not gone. So with every good intention and email to the student ministry leader, I decided to get there this Sunday, or die trying.

Last night my nephew spent the night and had been sick the night before (Friday). After waking up at around 12 am I took him to my room and we put our Wubzy DVD in and tried to go back to sleep. After having watched the movie twice (TWICE!) I turned it off and told him we had to go to sleep. So here I was trying to get to sleep, (by this time 2 am) knowing all to well that 7:30 am would roll around very quickly, with a sick baby calling my name in the dark every ten minutes (and after we fell asleep...every hour...) I finally woke up (on time!) and left him in the bed while I went and made coffee (an essential to sleepless nights) and remembered a dream I had the night before (or that morning...who knows?) ...

... I was in Sunday school and we were discussing whether or not good works alone get you into heaven. I had my own opinion (of course) and the quiet Sunday school room (which is normally always quiet, despite their being 30 -40 18-24 year olds in there) erupted into a tornado of discussion. As I'm pouring the water into the coffee maker, I'm wondering...what does all this mean...but resolved it to me having Sunday school on the brain and knowing that the last thing I was thinking the night before was, "I have to get up on time!"

I made it to Sunday school on time...the teacher was genuinely surprised to see me there...and nobody really said much to me than, "hello." Maybe they didn't recognize me as I have buzzed about 6 inches of hair off since the last time I graced everyone with my presence (um hmm).

Anyway...as class started...my dream came to life in reality!!! The same topic that was in my dream was the topic of our Sunday school lesson!!! The quiet room did become (though not as strongly as in my dream) filled with opinions from all over. I just kinda sat there and wondered..."Is this a sign as to me being in the right place?" I dunno. I am wanting to become more involved and am starting (on Tuesday nights) to attend a Bible study hosted in the next town over.

I also realized (as I looked around at how young all the new freshman guys were) that I am no longer, and will never be, again, a teenager. These 18 year old guys looked like kids to me. Have I really gotten that old? Where has my youth gone? I don't feel like an adult because I don't act as an adult. I still live in the same house, in the same bedroom, with the same parents just as I did when I was in high school. My general day to day life hasn't changed. I tend to date younger than me and use them to live vicariously as the teenager I always wanted to be. Maybe because my life has always seemed so crappy to me...I think that with this "extra time" I will be able to right any wrongs and have the perfect teenage years...but today I realized it's not gonna happen. Maybe I did realize (or have been realizing ) that this was the case. This summer I have blown alot of money trying to obliterate anything that represented the old Adam...my entire bedroom, my clothes, my everything.

For the longest time I have felt so alone...I have isolated myself in between adolescence and adulthood...I have floated around, alone, somewhere in the middle. Why have I done this to myself? I am miserable. In a way I haven't been lonely by choice...but then again I have. I hate being lonely...especially the kind of "lonely in a room full of people." I want to change...I know it will take time...but I have to change...