Friday, October 9, 2009

It's been a while

Geez. It's been forever since I have posted. Everything in life seems to be going well. School isn't killing me...and I've almost made it to midterm. I'm hoping the rest of the semester will fly by. At this point, I am just checking classes off the list towards graduation.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A Great Awakening

My world is so different from the one my parents lived in. Sure...quite a bit is similar...but things have changed and will continue to do so. The world I live in is nothing like the world my grandparents grew up in. With me in college now, and my mom in college in the 1980's, and my grandparents in college in the 1960's...we have all seen a different world...and through different eyes. Of course I don't know what it was like to have been my age in either of those time periods...but I can imagine. In the 1960's an old person was 50...in the 1980's women were just being to broaden the workforce from secretaries and menial assistants, to CEO and presidents. I had a teacher older than my grandparents at the University of Memphis. At 75, she could have taught either one of my grandparents in high school or even college...and the thought of someone that age teaching back then was unheard of. What does the future hold? Will we have employees and employers in their 80's? Their 90's? Will it not seem that strange? Will we have experienced financial highs and lows that were seen in the 1970's, 80's, and 90's? Will technology change on a daily basis...as we have new gadgets and electronics pushed on us every month? Will change ever end? I don't think so...and I don't think it can be predicted; Only charted.

I'm doing well on my early to bed, early to rise schedule. Today I was very productive. I am trying to build a routine...if for nothing else than my own sanity. I am still ironing out some "kinks" with the whole school thing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Mondays

My body registers different outdoor temperatures to different feelings and emotions from the past. I can relate each of these feelings with an experience and it seems as if I have felt every temperature before. At some point between summer and spring or winter and summer...I tend to forget the other temperatures (i.e. 30 degrees F in the dead of summer). Yes I can think about how it would feel...but I can't "feel" it. This oddity can almost be applied to every aspect of my life...I'm always imagining. I can remember trying to imagine the pain of post-op wisdom teeth surgery...it's just something I do.

Now that school has rolled around...I try to imagine life without stress and homework. (was it really stress free? No. But I like to think it was :)

This semester seems like it will be one of the hardest yet. My schedule is crazy and I haven't full adapted to it quite yet. I guess it will take some time. I am about to go crawl in the bed, turn on an episode of the X-Files, and try to be asleep before midnight tonight. After all...I have Russian at 9:40 am...on campus.

I better be fluent by Christmas!!! Hah!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

ugh

I feel worthless today. I didn't go to school. I chickened out of Bible study. I didn't do anything productive...I'm a loser all around. I hate the way I am, I want to change as a person, but when it boils down to it...I never have the gumption to do anything about it.

I have realized that I don't want to be younger...I just want things to be different...and to have been different, but the only thing I can do is change the future...I can't change the past.

And after all...it's easier to change my life than to grow younger...right?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Strange Sunday

I have been trying for the longest time to get back into my church routine. It has been very hard to do and for a very long time I had been out of church altogether. This wasn't anything I had planned...I just left my home church because they had no college classes, due to its size, and I had just aged out of every other class. About a year ago I started going to a much larger church in the suburbs. I liked it ok...it's just that I hadn't ever been accustomed to such a mass of people and the way church was highly organized like a business or a school. I will admit I was intrigued and kinda liked going to a place where nobody knew me and I could just "disappear" into the crowd.

Long story short, I went consistently for about 6 weeks with a friend and then for our own independent reasons we no longer went to church. I had been in two churches my whole life and had found myself bobbing in and outta church like the few, random people I observed as a regular member. About 6 weeks ago I felt convicted to start regularly attending a church, so I decided to venture back to the mega church. Each week came with its reasons as to why I wasn't able to go...and each week I felt like I was missing a major part of my life by having not gone. So with every good intention and email to the student ministry leader, I decided to get there this Sunday, or die trying.

Last night my nephew spent the night and had been sick the night before (Friday). After waking up at around 12 am I took him to my room and we put our Wubzy DVD in and tried to go back to sleep. After having watched the movie twice (TWICE!) I turned it off and told him we had to go to sleep. So here I was trying to get to sleep, (by this time 2 am) knowing all to well that 7:30 am would roll around very quickly, with a sick baby calling my name in the dark every ten minutes (and after we fell asleep...every hour...) I finally woke up (on time!) and left him in the bed while I went and made coffee (an essential to sleepless nights) and remembered a dream I had the night before (or that morning...who knows?) ...

... I was in Sunday school and we were discussing whether or not good works alone get you into heaven. I had my own opinion (of course) and the quiet Sunday school room (which is normally always quiet, despite their being 30 -40 18-24 year olds in there) erupted into a tornado of discussion. As I'm pouring the water into the coffee maker, I'm wondering...what does all this mean...but resolved it to me having Sunday school on the brain and knowing that the last thing I was thinking the night before was, "I have to get up on time!"

I made it to Sunday school on time...the teacher was genuinely surprised to see me there...and nobody really said much to me than, "hello." Maybe they didn't recognize me as I have buzzed about 6 inches of hair off since the last time I graced everyone with my presence (um hmm).

Anyway...as class started...my dream came to life in reality!!! The same topic that was in my dream was the topic of our Sunday school lesson!!! The quiet room did become (though not as strongly as in my dream) filled with opinions from all over. I just kinda sat there and wondered..."Is this a sign as to me being in the right place?" I dunno. I am wanting to become more involved and am starting (on Tuesday nights) to attend a Bible study hosted in the next town over.

I also realized (as I looked around at how young all the new freshman guys were) that I am no longer, and will never be, again, a teenager. These 18 year old guys looked like kids to me. Have I really gotten that old? Where has my youth gone? I don't feel like an adult because I don't act as an adult. I still live in the same house, in the same bedroom, with the same parents just as I did when I was in high school. My general day to day life hasn't changed. I tend to date younger than me and use them to live vicariously as the teenager I always wanted to be. Maybe because my life has always seemed so crappy to me...I think that with this "extra time" I will be able to right any wrongs and have the perfect teenage years...but today I realized it's not gonna happen. Maybe I did realize (or have been realizing ) that this was the case. This summer I have blown alot of money trying to obliterate anything that represented the old Adam...my entire bedroom, my clothes, my everything.

For the longest time I have felt so alone...I have isolated myself in between adolescence and adulthood...I have floated around, alone, somewhere in the middle. Why have I done this to myself? I am miserable. In a way I haven't been lonely by choice...but then again I have. I hate being lonely...especially the kind of "lonely in a room full of people." I want to change...I know it will take time...but I have to change...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Why such a bad day?

I woke up half an hour later than I had wanted to (my alarm was going off while I slept through it). I rushed outta my room, packed my backpack from the rat's nest of papers on the coffee table...then I realized it was cleaning Thurday (when the cleaning lady comes) and she was particularly chatty as I was rushing trying to get ready to leave. I jumped in and out of the shower and got dressed for class (thankfully I have no hair to worry with [it's wonderful!]). Then as I was rushing to take my meds and fly out the door, Chatty Chattington wanted to chat some more. Ahhhh!!! I wanted to scream, "DON"T YOU SEE ME IN AN OBVIOUS HURRY TO GET OUT THE DOOR?! LET ME GO TO SCHOOL AND YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR JOB!!!!" but...being civil I smiled and slid out of the door. I'd like you to know that I got behind an 85 year old turtle driving an 85 foot car, 45 miles an hour down the 55 mph highway...AHHHH!!!! Everything seemed to get under my skin...My Russian teacher, the fact that the cleaning lady was still at my house when I got home, the fact that I was tired but didn't get to take a nap, noises people made...the sounds of their voices...all of it.
I got my package from Urban Outfitters...4 things have to be exchanged...not bad for not trying anything on.

Tomorrow...I plan on going to the Oak Court Mall to exchange some jeans. I'm working on getting my closet stocked and organized.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Less stressful. But probably just as lonely.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Busy

I have been on the go since I woke up this morning. I got ready for school, got there a couple of hours early, printed off material, got coffee, went to the bookstore, and got to class early to get good seats (with Michele :)



I love staying busy with school...having something like school really keeps me going...keeps me from thinking/0bsessing about things too much...and I love the feeling of accomplishment.



Life right now is good. Not perfect, but good.